digital diary

this year feels like murphy's law is realer than ever. i can't find any logical reason as to why it has just been one bad thing after another. for 9 months straight. asher just asked me if i'm in a period of some weird astrological time. i wish i knew! i'd take any answer to why all of this is happening at this point. any clear answer would be great. i feel so goddamn alone. i miss him. i miss intimacy. i miss laughing genuinely. i miss just Feeling something looking at someone else. i really, really miss being in love. i know i can be alone. i've done it. i don't want that anymore. and i can't have it with him. so i am damned if i do, damned if i don't. drowning my sorrows in a tub of rocky road icecream. i am more like my mother than i will ever care to admit. i understand how people die of heartbreak. i get it. this pain is damn near unbearable. at this rate, i would've rather spent the last 9 months carrying a child than carrying this pain. stupid. dramatic. i hate that i never got to show how much love i could give. and i only have myself to blame for not being open to the possibility of it - even when it was staring me right in the face. i have not thought about this this intensely in what feels like a while. i know i gave up on wishing and dreams and hope after the hospital stay - but if i could be granted one wish. i would wish for this pain to end. for there to be some semblance of light at the end of this tunnel. there has to be more than some chemical imbalance at hand here. everything that has happened over the last 9 months feels so Bad. to such an insane level that i have not ever experienced. i thought 15 was bad. i know 15 was bad. 25 is somehow pushing me further than i have ever wanted to be pushed. i know my therapist and i discussed me working on distress tolerance but at what point will i get to stop tolerating this? i hate to ask when it is my turn to be a happy, but an answer would at least give me some hope. i'm just scared. this pain is scary. feeling this alone is scary. it's hard to feel like there's any point lately. if it wasn't for fig, i don't know. he has no clue that he is my sole reason for holding it together right now. and that is sad. i don't know anymore.

always, frankie

i am trying so hard to calm down from how frustrated i've been all day, but i just can't. there's no chance of it. i'm about to just take one of my anxiety meds and call it a day. i've been out of bed since 8:30 this morning trying to work out this fucking phone issue. and i want to be chill and normal but having a new phone makes me so sick. i was getting used to the assistive access on my phone and having to deal with this now is really really upsetting. and it feels oh so fucking dramatic. but i've lost all the writing i've done for the zine over the last year except for what's already been done on my ipad. i feel like crying so bad but nothing is coming out. i lost any and all photos i've taken of fig over the last week. i lost a bunch of contacts. i'm feeling such a level of frustration right now. i wanted to do more with my day off than just lay in bed but i cannot get myself to come down from this. and the nerves in my right hand are acting up worse than usual. i don't know who in the universe i need to ask why all of this is happening to me. and it feels so fucking exhausting and stupid to be complaining about such stupid shit but my god. when are things just going to feel right. i'm fucking exhausted. i wanted to write to see if it'd help a little bit but i am just well past it. i am going to take my anxiety meds. i feel so wound up. and that sick feeling of being attached to my phone that i dont think i've gotten since the time it got stolen. the feeling of being disconnected from people. even if i am still connected. disgusting. technology is fucking exhausting. i'm going to bed.

i don't know why i started writing here with proper punctuation. like who cares. i feel really not good right now. it's scary realizing how little progress i've actually made. j. stopped by to pick up some books and turns out i am not nearly as over this as i thought. clearly. but after having him be here. after months of not seeing him. i am not good. we don't even hang out anymore. and he was in two of my dreams last night. i feel like crying. i thought i'd be fine coming back to work and that i'd be able to keep my emotions at bay. boy, was i wrong! i hate being here. i hate having to put on a front when i do not feel good. it feels so disingenuous after letting myself express my emotions when they came up. even if they were uncomfortable. i guess this is the distress tolerance my therapist was talking to me about. something like this shouldn't completely unravel me. i really should look into working from home - if thats even an option. i just cannot keep doing what i'm doing right now and it be healthy. right now all i want is to be home with fig and eat the tub of rocky road that i have in the freezer. i know i'm gonna cry when i get home. i can barely hold it together right now - kind of glad its just me here for the next few days. i hope no one comes up for the rest of my shift. i'm trying not to push myself to be productive - e. said i should be doing the bare minimum. but i don't want to feel like i'm wasting my time. i could care less about company time, but i don't want to just be sitting here fiddling my thumbs. i don't have the focus right now to work on the design course, let alone do my italian lessons. i'm writing right now because i caught myself scrolling substack and not feeling any better having done so. my lunch isn't for another 40 mins. sigh. i really hate the temperature flux in this building. there is no reason i should be wearing wool tights and a cardigan during florida summers and still be freezing. and it makes it harder for me to drink water. forgot how dehydrated i was getting being here. and its hard to drink tea all day. i Really really wish to be home. i'm so glad to have tomorrow off. the only good thing to come from it being 4th of july. although that's gonna suck on its own with all the fireworks. my poor fig. i wish they made noise cancelling headphones for bunnies.

i saw brie was doing a mobility class on mondays and wanted to go, but i have fig's vet appointment monday morning. for his vaccine and microchip. i also want to try and groom his fur on monday again. so he can get more used to the process - and his fur is looking a little crazy anyway. the last thing i want to do is have it get matted. i keep thinking about "parenthood" and how i've heard that a lot of parents love the way their baby smells. even when its a bit gross sometimes. that's how i've been feeling with fig. god. there's not even emails to respond to. i forgot how much being at work truly felt like a waste of time. there's never anything important to be done. and somehow it shot my nervous system nonetheless. i think i really do need to start drinking earl grey every morning. for one - to get my body used to small levels of caffeine. but also to have something else to look forward to in the mornings. i think i might make pasta for dinner tonight. i don't think i can eat any more pollo guisado. we'll see where my energy is at. i forgot how much work depleted my energy, too. it was around 9pm when i started getting tired last night. i still tried to stay up till at least 11 and i think went to bed finally around 11:30. i wanted to spend as much time as i could with fig before calling it a night. of course the alarm would choose right now to start beeping. god. i am trying not to feel like i've been cursed but today is a reminder that i might be. i don't think i'll ever not think that j. did witchcraft on me. i wish that was a joke. i've said it since very early when he came into my life, but i still think it wholeheartedly. whatever.

having password-protected this is a bit funny. truly who cares. but it was fun to add the old girltech password journal picture to the password page. i remember how much i loved having a password journal. sillier times. anyway. i guess this is all i have to offer for now.

always, frankie

I am on my last hour of my first day back to work since May 13. I cried before leaving work - mostly having to leave Fig. I have never felt maternal in my life and now having felt the way I do about this little 1lb bunny, I don't understand bad moms. I say that as someone with one. I feel this strongly about a bunny! And moms (at least my own) do not feel this way about something - someone- they created with their own body. Mind boggling. Work is probably not the place for me to be thinking about this sort of thing. Especially not on my first day back after a month and a half long mental break. What a time.

I miss Fig. I can't wait to be home with him. Home is going to feel a lot more like a safe place after having to interact with the uncertainties of the world and people again. One thing I mentioned to C. that I felt I'd gotten pretty used to while I was on my break was not giving in to urgency. Other peoples and my own. I feel like I've somewhat managed to do so today. Aside from when I came up this morning and found myself out of breath - as well as when open lab hours began and was immediately presented with a group of 4 kids and their parents. I had to mentally remind myself that there is no need to rush when I found myself moving a lot faster than I could've/should've been. I guess I am typing this out now to pass the time.

Most of the interactions I've had today have been sweet. My coworkers have welcomed me back with open arms. Some regulars have stopped by and told me they missed me and my presence. Weird to think my absence is noticed and missed by people who are not close to me, but whom I've had endearing interactions with nonetheless. I don't know. I seem to forget how surrounded by love I am sometimes. It's all around me even in forms I don't expect it to be.

I've spent most of my shift working on the coding program I have coming up in September. I "finished" the first weeks lesson - a draft of it at least. I am probably going to try and work on the 2nd and 3rd weeks lessons over the next two weeks and then begin working on the powerpoint slides for them. That seems to be what makes the most sense. I want to adjust the format a bit to make the most sense when the class is happening. Hopefully someone shows up for the class. I don't want to consider it discouraging when I've worked hard on a class for there to be no attendance, but it does suck. Along with the coding program notes, I've been continuing on with the UI/UX design course. I finished assignment #7 which was creating the color styles. I got through quite a few lessons. I think using my time at work to be learning is the only way I'm going to find stability and balance in being here for the next few months. I want to keep repeating to myself that the next 6 months ahead of me will be better than the last 6 that have passed. I don't want to be in pain anymore. I don't know.

I forgot how cold it is at my job. P. said she'd be ordering a space heater for our office which will be nice, but quite annoying to be freezing indoors and require a space heater during a Florida summer. Will the cursed AC ever be fixed in this place? The world may never know! My knees hurt from sitting in this chair all day and from the cold. I guess wearing my wool leggings was an idea I should have followed through with. I'll probably end up doing another yoga session when I get home. I have to remind myself I don't actually have to rush to get to bed when I get home. Now that I've managed to have a decent sleep schedule. Although I do think I'd fare better by being in bed with the lights off by 11:30 rather than 12. That would aid in me getting out of bed before 8. I have to remind myself I'm supposed to be at work by 9 on Fridays and Saturdays so I shouldn't really be in bed still at 8 anyway. Not if I want to hang out with Fig, have time to eat breakfast, and have a calm nervous system before arriving here. Probably should've held off on the caffeine this morning too. Not that I had much or finished it anyway, but still. Earl grey having caffeine is the bane of my existence. I could drink it all day if it wouldn't completely unravel me.

Only half an hour left of the department being open. One hour till I can go home and be with Fig. At this point, I really think I would benefit from a stay at home job. If I properly got into UI/UX design, I think that could be so good for me if I were working on consistent projects. I think that's why I want to spend my time here working on what I can and possibly even building a portfolio. I also want to improve on my web development skills. I think knowing how to do both web development/responsive web design coding as well as UI/UX design would make a big difference. I don't know! My therapist also brought up the artists residency and I won't even know whether I got in or not until August. The end of August. I was also checking apartments again in Virginia because I'm not entirely set on making a drastic move to a state that isn't Virginia (sorry! that is where my heart is!) and there are these artist lofts I'd found that were a decent rent and were so beautiful. Although at this point, I think I'm opening up more to the idea of an apartment overall. A townhouse would be fine by me. As it's been. Just any place where Fig and I can make a home. I don't know!

16 minutes left till we close. Man. I guess that's all I have to say for now. I'm grateful my first day back wasn't completely insufferable, but oh how I wish I did not have to be here. Things will be okay, or so I keep telling myself. Soon enough. Soon enough.

Always, Frankie

13 days later. I'm gonna try to keep this one short and sweet because I want to be working on my UI/UX design course at the moment.

Yesterday I picked up Fig, my bunny. Woke up around 7:20am and drove an hour and a half to the Middle of Nowhere, FL. The first words his breeder said to me when I got out of the car was, "You LOOK excited!" like ma'am, you have no idea. In the little under 24 hours he's been home, he has brought me so much joy. And has explored his pen quite a bit. He was definitely scared and nervous to even leave his carrier at first, but as the day went on he moved around. Even got some zoomies. It's incredibly hard not to look at him and just smile. Zoloft who? This tiny creature has given me so much joy. Joy I'd certainly forgotten I could feel this year.

The couple who did my favorite podcast broke up and that brought up a lot of feelings in me. I hate parasocial relationships. And I don't consider this that, but it's weird getting used to something and to have it come unraveled. Seems like a common theme this year. Kay wrote about the breakup in a recent substack essay and yeah. That shit hurt. I teared up a lot, but didnt want to spoil yesterday's joy with crying more than I had to.

I guess that's about all I have to offer at the moment. I want to spend time with Fig and work on my design course. I go back to work next Tuesday and couldn't be more saddened by it. Only thing holding me together is having Fig to come home to. I hope he knows he's saved my year. I kept reading that quote that's like "You have to be the thing that saves you" and it is kind of helping. I have to be the thing that saves me. I have to do the stuff. Easier said than done, but I don't know. I have a little creature to care for that depends on me now and I have to do my part. For him.

Okay. I guess that's all. Until next time. Hopefully it doesn't take me two weeks to come back.

Always, Frankie

5 days later. Back again. I have been having a rough past 3 days. The closer it gets to the evening time, the worse I start to feel. I don't feel as though I'm accomplishing anything in life anymore. I know that's a bit besides the point when this time off is meant for me to rest and recover, but I feel like I'm wasting it. Wasting my life. And I feel worse and worse about J. the longer time goes on. We haven't actually hung out or spent time together since New Year's Eve so I don't get why I still feel his absence more heavy as time passes rather than it feeling less so. And now I'm crying. How stupid it all feels. I made the vet appointment for the day after I pick up my bunny so I can just get that over with and scheduled his neuter appointment for September. I really hope all goes well. I know I'd probably feel better if I were able to have him sooner or if time sped up, but time speeding up also means returning to work sooner. And that is not something I feel ready for still. I really miss M. So dearly. I have to remember to text her this weekend and check up on how she's been doing. I started a UI/UX design course that I hope to continue when I return to work, but again. Things sort of feel pointless. I am trying really hard not to let myself go off the deep end thinking this way again, but it does and I have to be honest about that. I don't feel good. I feel quite silly honestly. And quite sad. No matter how much time I spend around people, I just feel alone. Man, I can't wait to talk to my therapist on Sunday. I was looking up apartments again for my move in February. I am scared. Really bad. And crying more about it now. God. There is too much change happening in places where I don't want there to be and all too fast. Whatever.

I wanted to focus on writing about the design course I'm taking and not cry but look at how that went. Anyway. The course has been inspiring me a lot. I think it's going to help me significantly when I want to start making real updates to my website here and creating a proper digital design and web development portfolio. It made me realize a bit that I am quite overqualified for my job in all the skills I have and are not being utilized aside from measly programs that people don't even really attend or that my dear coworkers would love to attend, but can't because they are scheduled when the programs are happening. I think learning UI design before starting to create a website or even beginning coding might have helped a bit at least as far as layout and such are concerned. Since I didn't really have an idea of how I wanted my site to look when I started it, I just sort of started adding stuff and liked what stuck. I also think having a lot of my pages connected to singular CSS pages was probably not the best idea. But it'll be okay. I think once I finish the course, I'll do a prototype for how I want certain pages of the website to look and begin coding them from that. I also dislike how a lot of UI/UX design stuff is sought out for by these Big Tech companies that I have zero interest in working for. Because I was looking into UI/UX work for when I move, but I refuse to sell out to Big Tech. And I knooow I can work for smaller tech companies or just independent artists and design websites for people who need them and stuff or things for friends and myself, but I don't know! Maybe another thing to discuss with my therapist. I guess that is one of the values I at least hold strong to. Not selling out for a job. Which is a privilege of sorts. Having that option. Although, having worked at my current job for 3 years, the prospect of getting another job in the near distant future makes me sick to my stomach. I used to not stay at a job for longer than 5 months in my early 20's. I just couldn't do it and burnt myself out each time putting more into these places than I got out. And although I have definitely given this place more than I've gotten out of it, I can't say I haven't gotten anything out of it. I've worked with some of the most special people ever and genuinely have so much love for the work I have done and now do. I don't know. I am just feeling so weird. And don't think that February is good timing for anything. It certainly wasn't this year. This whole year has just not felt good and that makes me feel worse about everything overall. Like even when things are good, I can't help but let go of how bad they've been? Like holy shit. A month ago today, I voluntarily admitted myself to the behavioral unit of my local hospital. A month ago. Christ. I've been bad before, but never like this. And I wish I could say I've spent the last month getting better and resting and recovering. But I don't feel any better. I think anything could set me off as easily as it did a month ago. I feel like I'm waiting for something to set me off like that. Lately, I've been more sensitive to lots of noise again. It had sort of eased for a while. I think maybe since the day of the concert, I've just been sensitive to sounds. It's all just been amplified this week. Everything feels amplified this week.

I spent an hour earlier working on the course and wanted to do more of that now, but here I am writing away about nothing. K. doesn't get home from work 'till late today and R. is still on his trip so the house just feels especially quiet and alone tonight. A. sent me an audio message which is sweet because I haven't heard his voice all week since he's been sick. It's helping the quiet feeling. This time last year I was in Chicago visiting him. Man. Everything felt better last year. Especially around this time last year. I think I'm just making myself feel worse by writing so I think I'm gonna go.

Happy Friday the 13th, Frankie

Been a while. I drank too much caffeine with my lunch this morning. Not the best way to have started this day, but not much has gone on anyway. I think my brain is just overactive because of it. I want to rearrange all the furniture downstairs, I want to dye my hair and bleach my eyebrows again, I want to start multiple sewing projects. Etc, etc, etc. The usual over-caffeinated experience. In reality, all I've done is clean my room, make lunch, and watch some YouTube videos on the couch. I'm waiting for some packages to come in so I can continue building my future bunny's space, but until then that is what I've been upto. I say "all I've done" as if cleaning my room was a small feat. It's been in a sort of state of disarray for a couple weeks and hit a peak yesterday when I had to take apart the NIC grids I had storing some sewing supplies and some of my tech stuff to add to the exercise pen for the bunny because I had no sense of space and thought 4'x4' was larger than it actually was. Thankfully I had enough grids and went with a friend to grab some extra zipties to hold it all together. So now the pen is 4'x6' which is perfect for the 5'x7' rug I bought for that area. 18 more days till I can pick up my bunny. I have to call some vets again tomorrow to find a general vet, schedule his first exam, and schedule his future neutering. Every place I've called so far is $400+ which feels crazy for such a little creature. I know what I signed up for, though. There's a few more things I have to order for his arrival, but for now I'm pretty much set. I am really truly excited for the little guys arrival. I just wish it wasn't the same week I'm set to return to work. I'm grateful my manager understood that I have to drop down to 4 days lest I end up in the same fucked position again and I hope I'm able to make those 4 days work. I think I'm gonna take Thursdays off so I have a space in the middle of my week to check in with how I'm doing. Idk.

I wish the bunny packages would arrive sooner. My body grows tired of sitting on this couch! I know I could technically start on at least one of the sewing projects I have in mind, but I don't want to be in the middle of one project and have to stop to start building things. Sigh. I also need K. to be here so I can have help moving his turtle tank to a new spot. Having that bright light by the TV is not ideal. Plus the tank should be higher up anyway so the bunny doesn't take a dive when I have him freeroaming when I'm home. I think I've overdone it with the bunny research because it's sort of all my brain can think of lately. I'll go to sleep and wake up thinking about it all. Which will probably ease up when he is actually home, but for now it is occupying a lot of my headspace. I am as prepared as I can be without him actually being here. I should drink some water. Might help the caffeine feeling ease up a tad. If I'm still feeling up for dyeing my hair and bleaching my brows, I'll go and get the stuff tomorrow. I should sleep on it, though. I've been holding off doing anything to my hair especially dyeing it because it's still falling out excessively. And the thinning is really starting to make me self-conscious. More than I already was about it. It's just so bad where my widow's peak is/was. I don't know. I don't know.

I've also been watching a lot of movies during my time off. Since coming back from the hospital, I've watched 25 movies. Only a few of those being rewatches. Forgot how much I loved watching new movies. I watched The Phantom of the Opera for the first time yesterday when Jude was over as well as the Mamma Mia! sequel. Both were lovely. But especially Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again. It was such a feel-good musical and was so hopeful? Which I've been needing some of. Still stuck on not believing in wishes or dreams or even hope. I told J. that the other night when he asked what my 11:11 wish was. I hadn't made one and he questioned why and why I didn't believe in them anymore. Oh, the irony. I went into being 25 with a heart full of hope and dreams and especially wishes that all crumbled under a wall of disillusion. Whatever. I don't like or want to be a nihilist. I know I'll get over this eventually. However, I don't think that'll be till I leave this state. February couldn't come sooner. W. and I have been discussing me possibly going up there and I'm less opposed as time goes on. I'd be closer to A. and be close enough to people so I wouldn't feel as alone as I did moving to Massachusetts alone when I was 18. What a long ways it's been since then. I hope I'm able to recover a bit financially in the next few months from taking this time off. I am not worried about it too much, surprisingly. I've been in worse spots financially (i.e. when I was alone in Massachusetts) and somehow came this far. Which I guess I could extend the same logic to other parts of my life, but I am being selective clearly.

Anyway. I guess that's all for now. Writing out some of the thoughts helped ease the overcaffeination ever so slightly. I do need to go drink water, though. Here's to better days ahead.

Always, Frankie

Feeling a bit out of sorts today. I didn't take my sleep medication last night and accidentally had caffeine really late into the day and ended up staying up till like 2am on my computer applying to adopt a rabbit and doing research. I don't know. Having a very, very anxious time. My therapist had a medical emergency and hasn't filled out my FMLA paperwork and I need it done by Friday. I went ahead and emailed my old psychiatrist to see if she'd please do it because right now my job is at stake and that would really, really effect my brain right now. In not having a solid income to rely on while I'm trying to get better. I am really trying. I also want to look into part-time work because I don't know realistically how long I can stand to work full-time. But I do not want to dig into my savings at fucking all. I want to be out of Florida sooner rather than later and I know I will need money to do so. I might also look more seriously into doing a workaway program - hopefully one that pays. Because I think it would benefit me a lot. I have to wait till August to find out whether or not I got accepted into the Artists Residency in VA, but that would also impact a lot of things. I don't know. I hope if I do get in that I am eligible for the fellowships/scholarships to go. I think that would be a really nice way to start the next year.

I spent all of yesterday with A. and it was really one of the nicest days I have had this year. Not that anything particularly exciting happened, but I don't know. We talked a lot and being in her company was special. I have been spending a lot more time with her now that I don't have much else to do and it helps. It helped before and it helps now. Despite how broken my heart may be, I know I am loved when I am with her. An unconditional, unwavering love. I even wrote some poems last night? Which has been quite hard to do without just breaking into tears. But I was able to do so and it felt good. What I wrote was pretty good. I don't know. Spending time with her yesterday also made me want to just make a little zine. We also went to the animal shelter. I cried. And almost ended up with a dog. I'm hoping things work out with getting this rabbit, honestly. I think it would be good for me. I know a pet would help, I just don't know if a dog is what I want. And R. really wants a dog. We'll see what happens there, I guess.

I really want to get my sleep schedule in check this week. I have to. I can't keep sleeping in like this. It doesn't feel good and it makes me feel more guilty. I know it would be really good for me to be waking up AND getting out of bed earlier. If I can stick to 8am all week, the next few weeks of 7:30 should be okay. That's really what I should be doing and need to focus on. I don't know.

I am feeling quite a bit anxious today. I am debating taking the Hydroxyzine now and just chilling the fuck out cause it is not feeling good to be in this state. The day just already feels like a waste and I don't have plans or anything going on. A. invited me over to her sister's house for dinner and P. just invited me to a beach day tomorrow, which would be good for me? I think? I might take them up on those plans. If I could sleep over at P.'s house then that would save me a lot of trouble. Unsure which beach we'd be going to, but being outside in the sun has been good for me. Maybe later I'll drive to Twin Oaks? I don't even know. The fact that the weather has been really gloomy in the evenings is kind of a bummer. Maybe I'll sew some bathing suit shorts in a bit since I don't really have comfortable beach attire. I don't know, I don't know.

My new camera lens is also supposed to come in tomorrow which is really exciting. I hope everything with it functions and makes taking pictures with the camera smoother. It'd be cool to bring tomorrow but I doubt it'll arrive before we even head out to the beach. Whatever. It'll be good to just have. Having a real weird time being alive right now. Sometimes being alone feels okay and alright and then other times it feels so fucking heavy. I don't necessarily feel heavy right now, just not here? Not around. I don't know.

I probably shouldn't say "I don't know" at the end of every paragraph. I started reading "Stag Dance" by Torrey Peters yesterday and the second short story in it was called "Chaser". I am so unsatisfied with it being a short story because I got heavily invested in the two characters and it was written so fucking well. Probably my favorite thing she's written? I didn't expect to be so into it mostly because it was a love story and felt very reminiscent of what I'm going through right now, but I was invested when I read it yesterday. Don't know if I'll enjoy the actual "Stag Dance" story as much, but I guess we shall see.

I think I'll leave this off here. I am gonna watch more rabbit videos. That's all.

Always, Frankie

Hello. Kind of annoyed by how fast this morning is passing me by. I know I woke up before 8am, but I yet again snoozed my alarm until 9:20. I'm making slow progress, but progress nonetheless. I got up yesterday at 9:45 and I think 9:55 the morning before so. I'll take the 9:20. Maybe tomorrow I'll be out of bed by 9. I know getting up earlier would make my days not feel so repetitive and fast. The end goal for my wake up time is 7:30. I think that would be a good base to start. If I can do that for a couple weeks, maybe eventually 7:15? I dont know about 7, just because I want to be realistic and know my limits, but 7:15 maybe. I dont know.

I met Jude for the first time yesterday. Using her name here so it doesn't get mixed up with J.'s. But we walked the entire trail at Twin Oaks. My first time doing so? Then we sat and talked at one of the benches there for a little while before her appointment. She invited me out for ice cream after, but I'd already gone home and changed out of my sweaty clothes. I was drenched after that walk. But I thought last night about going there more often on my own and just walking the trail in the morning. I think it'd be good for me. I think being outside, despite the damned heat, is doing good for my brain. I am finding myself wanting to be outside more often. Wanting to be moving my body.

Gonna try to keep this part brief, but J.'s dog passed yesterday. I doubt he'll want to talk today, which is fine. I wouldn't either. I am just trying to let myself not feel like he's mad at me? Like personally. This isn't about me. And despite how I feel about everything, I know how losing his dog right now probably feels. It's always fucking something, man. And I had the thought while sitting on the hammock drinking my tea this morning that like - with a lot of people, I have a habit of thinking if I do x thing, then maybe they'll love me the way I want. And that is so shitty for me to think and feel. Reading that damn Reddit post about "distorted beliefs" in people with C-PTSD really did something, idk. Especially the being needed does not equal love. Like okay. Cool. Great. What do I do with that now?

I don't want to talk about that anymore. Sorry. Not how I want to start today. K. and I were supposed to go to the gym this morning, but he's still sleeping and I'm kind of losing desire about wanting to go. I have to stop by Hobby Lobby to get plastic canvas for the Louise/Bob's Burgers ear hat I'm making and I want to stop by the farm for some groceries, but we'll see. He's still not up. I'm probably gonna make breakfast so I'm not waiting around for him. Sigh.

I'm supposed to be hanging out with P. today. Which I'm a bit excited for. The weather looks like it might rain. Kind of hoping that isn't the case. I started trying to finish sewing the jeans I'd started at work yesterday, but my god. I hate making waistbands. I've done two so far and seam ripped both of them. I really liked the way the pants fit so I don't want to rush them and have a shitty looking waistband on them. And I think I might do button flys more often because not having to worry about sewing in a zipper is heavenly. I loathe zippers. We'll see. I might just end up using the same pattern to make patchwork shorts with the other blue denim? I also cannot, for the life of me, find the skort pattern. Anywhere. And T. thought she'd found it with the laptop bag one, but it wasn't there either. I'm probably just going to trace the one I made for its pieces and do that cause I don't want to reprint and tape another one together. We'll see. I wanted to finish the pants before hanging out with P. though, so I could wear them out.

K. is finally awake. Woo. Not sure if we're still going to the gym. Don't really want to. Oh. I also got paid today/last night which is nice. The paycheck is more than I'd expected so I'm not entirely sure what happened there? Maybe it included my short term disability. I don't really know. But I moved aside my car payment money and hope that I get some back from the last payment I made on the old loan. And then maybe I could use that towards the car payment and feel a bit less overwhelmed by money stuff while I'm away from work. I hope my therapist gets back to me about the paperwork soon because I have to have all of that turned in before the 30th. And I don't talk to them until Sunday. Trying not to stress it too hard. I feel like they'd have emailed me sooner if there was an issue. I hope. Okay. Let me not think about that too hard.

W. wants me to go visit Indiana. I know a change of scenery would do me good, which is why I've been spending so much time out. But I think it'd just make coming back even harder. Coming back always makes things harder. Coming back from VA really set a tone for everything that's happened after. So I dont know. I think I might start re-reading The Body Keeps the Score. Sigh. I dont know how I feel about that, but I know overall it'd probably be of benefit to me. Very weird time to exist, man. J. is up and I am trying not to let my emotions get the best of me. I should probably try and do more of the coping stuff my therapist told me to do before things feel bad. I don't know. I don't know. Being around people feels off today. Like some moments when I'm alone I feel less swayed by other people's energy. But then other times when I'm alone, it just feels lonely.

I think I'll leave things off here and come back when I need to. I hope today is okay.

Always, Frankie

Trying not to read back the last two entries. Nothing from the past matters right now. I'm finding today a bit harder than the last few. I've spent the last few days since Sunday at A.'s house. Will most likely go back home today. Or maybe stay at my sister's if thats an option. Writing in my journal has not happened - despite having stapled the last year's pages shut I can't bring myself to write in there right now. I do need some sort of writing outlet, though, so here I am. I have to write this stuff out so it doesn't fester inside of me.

My therapist said that there's a possibility I was misdiagnosed with Bipolar Type 2. They said, from what we've discussed, my symptoms seem more like trauma responses and C-PTSD. After they explained it (and after a long Reddit rabbit-hole), it makes sense. A lot of sense. I don't know. I really don't. I have to get my sleep schedule back to normal. A lot of things will fall into place once I'm able to do that. My body is desperate for regulation. Can't believe this is where I am at right now. I thought the regret and guilt would dissipate even a little bit as time went on, but if anything, I'm more regretful and feel more guilty than before. I'm taking time off from work and am trying to relish in that. Finding it hard to do that, too. I know I need time to recover. I know I need a break. I just don't know how going back will feel. I guess that's more of me thinking about the future and not focusing on what I am experiencing right now.

I feel really out of it today. I didn't text J. yesterday aside from two pictures of A.'s mom's dog. I don't know whether space will make things better or worse. Things are stagnant with us and I just feel like an open wound. I can barely make myself feel better let alone trying to make things not suck between us. I'm the only one who acknowledges how broken shit is. Thinking about this again is just gonna make me feel like crying or throwing up so I should just move on.

I've been watching a lot of movies recently. And by that, I mean since taking time off. Making a dent in my watchlist, I guess. Watched Fantastic Planet (1973) this morning. Weird and French. I don't know.

I want to get away. My sister joked about us taking a trip while I have time off right now and I just don't know how good of an idea that is. It'll just make coming back even harder. It pains me to think about how I'd be right now if I had just left to Virginia when this year started. Probably a bit unprepared and broke, but I think being there would've been a significant improvement to everything that's happened over the last 5 months. I've been looking at workaway's again. I don't know, man. Being here is killing me. Not hyperbolically. It is killing me being here. I never intended on staying in Florida this long. I don't know why J. is prolonging this ending. I don't know why I am. Everything's gonna hurt for me regardless. I don't think it'll affect his life in the slightest if I'm gone. Time's already proven that one. And growing to resent him is just as bad a fate. Why did he have to come into my life? Why did I have to show him the worst parts of myself? That is all he'll ever be able to see.

I need to end this here before I cry again. Until next time, I guess.

Always, Frankie

Nothing I said in the last entry is relevant anymore, sorry. Spent the last 24 hours in a psych ward. May really has a way of being the worst time of every year for me. I don't know where else to really talk about it. Well, I made an appointment to talk to my therapist again today so that's something. Likely going to take some time off work to get my head back in order. Upset that I let it get this bad. Thinking about the woman I met in the unit. I hope she finds peace. "I don't want to just survive anymore, I want to live," she repeated to me multiple times yesterday. Me too.

It is 1pm on Sunday May 11 2025. I finished up my 2nd therapy session with my new therapist a little less than an hour ago. When I woke up, I was expecting the session to suck if I'm being honest. So now sitting in bed, feeling prepared to go shower for the first time in a week and go out to celebrate Mother's Day at my best friend's grandmother's house, I'm glad I followed through with it. I immediately sent a voice message to my best friend of some things my therapist said that I wanted to get down while they were fresh in my head. I also made a notes app entry in my phone for therapy notes. They are as follows:

• It is Only my job to be clear and direct. (Clarity combats ambiguity!) I have to be secure and straight forward about my feelings.
• It is not my job to read between the lines! It is NOT my job to read between the lines!!!
• I respect others enough to take what they say at face value. Other people should respect me enough to be clear and direct with me.
• It is a reflection of them if their words and actions don't align. It would be (in C.'s words) "inappropriate" for someone to say something for the sake of "making me feel better" (sparing my feelings) in the moment and take it back later.
• My thoughts and feelings will not disrupt a relationship that (has a strong foundation) and where the other person genuinely cares about and respects my point of view and is determined to understand me. My thoughts and feelings matter to the right people.
• Reminder to self: I do not want lukewarm love.

Yeah. They asked me so many questions during the session that I sort of struggled with answering or maybe didn't give an actual answer to what was being asked, but we got pretty far, I think for this only being our second session together. And their cat made an appearance which never fails to make me laugh. I think I do need to give the people in my life a bit more credit and a lot more trust because I also am making the choice of keeping them around and why would I keep people around who I can't trust? I think what J. said last night kind of has my brain reflecting a lot. Specifically him saying that "By now [I] should know that [my] feelings aren't stupid or insignificant to [him]" or that "That's not something of concern with [him] at least" in response to me saying that I expect people's views of me to change so I don't feel secure in other peoples feelings about me. I have to ask for clarification on what he meant by that second part because it can be interpretted in so many ways. It's not of concern because his view of me hasn't changed? It's not of concern because he is secure in his feelings about me? I don't know, I don't know. C. also said if I can't find it in myself to voice my feelings before our next session, then we can do some practice to make it easier on me to be clear. Their hope for me and this particular situation feels like a breath of fresh air. Because they have nothing to gain by giving me false hope? If that makes sense. I don't know.

I also wanted to make note here of this substack essay I read after therapy about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which I need to make a note to talk to C. about. It felt very Right to read after what we discussed in the session.

I think I'll leave off here, though. I still need to shower and get ready to head out to A.'s grandma's house. I think today will and can be good. Happy Sunday!

Always, Frankie