digital diary

Feeling a bit out of sorts today. I didn't take my sleep medication last night and accidentally had caffeine really late into the day and ended up staying up till like 2am on my computer applying to adopt a rabbit and doing research. I don't know. Having a very, very anxious time. My therapist had a medical emergency and hasn't filled out my FMLA paperwork and I need it done by Friday. I went ahead and emailed my old psychiatrist to see if she'd please do it because right now my job is at stake and that would really, really effect my brain right now. In not having a solid income to rely on while I'm trying to get better. I am really trying. I also want to look into part-time work because I don't know realistically how long I can stand to work full-time. But I do not want to dig into my savings at fucking all. I want to be out of Florida sooner rather than later and I know I will need money to do so. I might also look more seriously into doing a workaway program - hopefully one that pays. Because I think it would benefit me a lot. I have to wait till August to find out whether or not I got accepted into the Artists Residency in VA, but that would also impact a lot of things. I don't know. I hope if I do get in that I am eligible for the fellowships/scholarships to go. I think that would be a really nice way to start the next year.

I spent all of yesterday with A. and it was really one of the nicest days I have had this year. Not that anything particularly exciting happened, but I don't know. We talked a lot and being in her company was special. I have been spending a lot more time with her now that I don't have much else to do and it helps. It helped before and it helps now. Despite how broken my heart may be, I know I am loved when I am with her. An unconditional, unwavering love. I even wrote some poems last night? Which has been quite hard to do without just breaking into tears. But I was able to do so and it felt good. What I wrote was pretty good. I don't know. Spending time with her yesterday also made me want to just make a little zine. We also went to the animal shelter. I cried. And almost ended up with a dog. I'm hoping things work out with getting this rabbit, honestly. I think it would be good for me. I know a pet would help, I just don't know if a dog is what I want. And R. really wants a dog. We'll see what happens there, I guess.

I really want to get my sleep schedule in check this week. I have to. I can't keep sleeping in like this. It doesn't feel good and it makes me feel more guilty. I know it would be really good for me to be waking up AND getting out of bed earlier. If I can stick to 8am all week, the next few weeks of 7:30 should be okay. That's really what I should be doing and need to focus on. I don't know.

I am feeling quite a bit anxious today. I am debating taking the Hydroxyzine now and just chilling the fuck out cause it is not feeling good to be in this state. The day just already feels like a waste and I don't have plans or anything going on. A. invited me over to her sister's house for dinner and P. just invited me to a beach day tomorrow, which would be good for me? I think? I might take them up on those plans. If I could sleep over at P.'s house then that would save me a lot of trouble. Unsure which beach we'd be going to, but being outside in the sun has been good for me. Maybe later I'll drive to Twin Oaks? I don't even know. The fact that the weather has been really gloomy in the evenings is kind of a bummer. Maybe I'll sew some bathing suit shorts in a bit since I don't really have comfortable beach attire. I don't know, I don't know.

My new camera lens is also supposed to come in tomorrow which is really exciting. I hope everything with it functions and makes taking pictures with the camera smoother. It'd be cool to bring tomorrow but I doubt it'll arrive before we even head out to the beach. Whatever. It'll be good to just have. Having a real weird time being alive right now. Sometimes being alone feels okay and alright and then other times it feels so fucking heavy. I don't necessarily feel heavy right now, just not here? Not around. I don't know.

I probably shouldn't say "I don't know" at the end of every paragraph. I started reading "Stag Dance" by Torrey Peters yesterday and the second short story in it was called "Chaser". I am so unsatisfied with it being a short story because I got heavily invested in the two characters and it was written so fucking well. Probably my favorite thing she's written? I didn't expect to be so into it mostly because it was a love story and felt very reminiscent of what I'm going through right now, but I was invested when I read it yesterday. Don't know if I'll enjoy the actual "Stag Dance" story as much, but I guess we shall see.

I think I'll leave this off here. I am gonna watch more rabbit videos. That's all.

Always, Frankie

Hello. Kind of annoyed by how fast this morning is passing me by. I know I woke up before 8am, but I yet again snoozed my alarm until 9:20. I'm making slow progress, but progress nonetheless. I got up yesterday at 9:45 and I think 9:55 the morning before so. I'll take the 9:20. Maybe tomorrow I'll be out of bed by 9. I know getting up earlier would make my days not feel so repetitive and fast. The end goal for my wake up time is 7:30. I think that would be a good base to start. If I can do that for a couple weeks, maybe eventually 7:15? I dont know about 7, just because I want to be realistic and know my limits, but 7:15 maybe. I dont know.

I met Jude for the first time yesterday. Using her name here so it doesn't get mixed up with J.'s. But we walked the entire trail at Twin Oaks. My first time doing so? Then we sat and talked at one of the benches there for a little while before her appointment. She invited me out for ice cream after, but I'd already gone home and changed out of my sweaty clothes. I was drenched after that walk. But I thought last night about going there more often on my own and just walking the trail in the morning. I think it'd be good for me. I think being outside, despite the damned heat, is doing good for my brain. I am finding myself wanting to be outside more often. Wanting to be moving my body.

Gonna try to keep this part brief, but J.'s dog passed yesterday. I doubt he'll want to talk today, which is fine. I wouldn't either. I am just trying to let myself not feel like he's mad at me? Like personally. This isn't about me. And despite how I feel about everything, I know how losing his dog right now probably feels. It's always fucking something, man. And I had the thought while sitting on the hammock drinking my tea this morning that like - with a lot of people, I have a habit of thinking if I do x thing, then maybe they'll love me the way I want. And that is so shitty for me to think and feel. Reading that damn Reddit post about "distorted beliefs" in people with C-PTSD really did something, idk. Especially the being needed does not equal love. Like okay. Cool. Great. What do I do with that now?

I don't want to talk about that anymore. Sorry. Not how I want to start today. K. and I were supposed to go to the gym this morning, but he's still sleeping and I'm kind of losing desire about wanting to go. I have to stop by Hobby Lobby to get plastic canvas for the Louise/Bob's Burgers ear hat I'm making and I want to stop by the farm for some groceries, but we'll see. He's still not up. I'm probably gonna make breakfast so I'm not waiting around for him. Sigh.

I'm supposed to be hanging out with P. today. Which I'm a bit excited for. The weather looks like it might rain. Kind of hoping that isn't the case. I started trying to finish sewing the jeans I'd started at work yesterday, but my god. I hate making waistbands. I've done two so far and seam ripped both of them. I really liked the way the pants fit so I don't want to rush them and have a shitty looking waistband on them. And I think I might do button flys more often because not having to worry about sewing in a zipper is heavenly. I loathe zippers. We'll see. I might just end up using the same pattern to make patchwork shorts with the other blue denim? I also cannot, for the life of me, find the skort pattern. Anywhere. And T. thought she'd found it with the laptop bag one, but it wasn't there either. I'm probably just going to trace the one I made for its pieces and do that cause I don't want to reprint and tape another one together. We'll see. I wanted to finish the pants before hanging out with P. though, so I could wear them out.

K. is finally awake. Woo. Not sure if we're still going to the gym. Don't really want to. Oh. I also got paid today/last night which is nice. The paycheck is more than I'd expected so I'm not entirely sure what happened there? Maybe it included my short term disability. I don't really know. But I moved aside my car payment money and hope that I get some back from the last payment I made on the old loan. And then maybe I could use that towards the car payment and feel a bit less overwhelmed by money stuff while I'm away from work. I hope my therapist gets back to me about the paperwork soon because I have to have all of that turned in before the 30th. And I don't talk to them until Sunday. Trying not to stress it too hard. I feel like they'd have emailed me sooner if there was an issue. I hope. Okay. Let me not think about that too hard.

W. wants me to go visit Indiana. I know a change of scenery would do me good, which is why I've been spending so much time out. But I think it'd just make coming back even harder. Coming back always makes things harder. Coming back from VA really set a tone for everything that's happened after. So I dont know. I think I might start re-reading The Body Keeps the Score. Sigh. I dont know how I feel about that, but I know overall it'd probably be of benefit to me. Very weird time to exist, man. J. is up and I am trying not to let my emotions get the best of me. I should probably try and do more of the coping stuff my therapist told me to do before things feel bad. I don't know. I don't know. Being around people feels off today. Like some moments when I'm alone I feel less swayed by other people's energy. But then other times when I'm alone, it just feels lonely.

I think I'll leave things off here and come back when I need to. I hope today is okay.

Always, Frankie

Trying not to read back the last two entries. Nothing from the past matters right now. I'm finding today a bit harder than the last few. I've spent the last few days since Sunday at A.'s house. Will most likely go back home today. Or maybe stay at my sister's if thats an option. Writing in my journal has not happened - despite having stapled the last year's pages shut I can't bring myself to write in there right now. I do need some sort of writing outlet, though, so here I am. I have to write this stuff out so it doesn't fester inside of me.

My therapist said that there's a possibility I was misdiagnosed with Bipolar Type 2. They said, from what we've discussed, my symptoms seem more like trauma responses and C-PTSD. After they explained it (and after a long Reddit rabbit-hole), it makes sense. A lot of sense. I don't know. I really don't. I have to get my sleep schedule back to normal. A lot of things will fall into place once I'm able to do that. My body is desperate for regulation. Can't believe this is where I am at right now. I thought the regret and guilt would dissipate even a little bit as time went on, but if anything, I'm more regretful and feel more guilty than before. I'm taking time off from work and am trying to relish in that. Finding it hard to do that, too. I know I need time to recover. I know I need a break. I just don't know how going back will feel. I guess that's more of me thinking about the future and not focusing on what I am experiencing right now.

I feel really out of it today. I didn't text J. yesterday aside from two pictures of A.'s mom's dog. I don't know whether space will make things better or worse. Things are stagnant with us and I just feel like an open wound. I can barely make myself feel better let alone trying to make things not suck between us. I'm the only one who acknowledges how broken shit is. Thinking about this again is just gonna make me feel like crying or throwing up so I should just move on.

I've been watching a lot of movies recently. And by that, I mean since taking time off. Making a dent in my watchlist, I guess. Watched Fantastic Planet (1973) this morning. Weird and French. I don't know.

I want to get away. My sister joked about us taking a trip while I have time off right now and I just don't know how good of an idea that is. It'll just make coming back even harder. It pains me to think about how I'd be right now if I had just left to Virginia when this year started. Probably a bit unprepared and broke, but I think being there would've been a significant improvement to everything that's happened over the last 5 months. I've been looking at workaway's again. I don't know, man. Being here is killing me. Not hyperbolically. It is killing me being here. I never intended on staying in Florida this long. I don't know why J. is prolonging this ending. I don't know why I am. Everything's gonna hurt for me regardless. I don't think it'll affect his life in the slightest if I'm gone. Time's already proven that one. And growing to resent him is just as bad a fate. Why did he have to come into my life? Why did I have to show him the worst parts of myself? That is all he'll ever be able to see.

I need to end this here before I cry again. Until next time, I guess.

Always, Frankie

Nothing I said in the last entry is relevant anymore, sorry. Spent the last 24 hours in a psych ward. May really has a way of being the worst time of every year for me. I don't know where else to really talk about it. Well, I made an appointment to talk to my therapist again today so that's something. Likely going to take some time off work to get my head back in order. Upset that I let it get this bad. Thinking about the woman I met in the unit. I hope she finds peace. "I don't want to just survive anymore, I want to live," she repeated to me multiple times yesterday. Me too.

It is 1pm on Sunday May 11 2025. I finished up my 2nd therapy session with my new therapist a little less than an hour ago. When I woke up, I was expecting the session to suck if I'm being honest. So now sitting in bed, feeling prepared to go shower for the first time in a week and go out to celebrate Mother's Day at my best friend's grandmother's house, I'm glad I followed through with it. I immediately sent a voice message to my best friend of some things my therapist said that I wanted to get down while they were fresh in my head. I also made a notes app entry in my phone for therapy notes. They are as follows:

• It is Only my job to be clear and direct. (Clarity combats ambiguity!) I have to be secure and straight forward about my feelings.
• It is not my job to read between the lines! It is NOT my job to read between the lines!!!
• I respect others enough to take what they say at face value. Other people should respect me enough to be clear and direct with me.
• It is a reflection of them if their words and actions don't align. It would be (in C.'s words) "inappropriate" for someone to say something for the sake of "making me feel better" (sparing my feelings) in the moment and take it back later.
• My thoughts and feelings will not disrupt a relationship that (has a strong foundation) and where the other person genuinely cares about and respects my point of view and is determined to understand me. My thoughts and feelings matter to the right people.
• Reminder to self: I do not want lukewarm love.

Yeah. They asked me so many questions during the session that I sort of struggled with answering or maybe didn't give an actual answer to what was being asked, but we got pretty far, I think for this only being our second session together. And their cat made an appearance which never fails to make me laugh. I think I do need to give the people in my life a bit more credit and a lot more trust because I also am making the choice of keeping them around and why would I keep people around who I can't trust? I think what J. said last night kind of has my brain reflecting a lot. Specifically him saying that "By now [I] should know that [my] feelings aren't stupid or insignificant to [him]" or that "That's not something of concern with [him] at least" in response to me saying that I expect people's views of me to change so I don't feel secure in other peoples feelings about me. I have to ask for clarification on what he meant by that second part because it can be interpretted in so many ways. It's not of concern because his view of me hasn't changed? It's not of concern because he is secure in his feelings about me? I don't know, I don't know. C. also said if I can't find it in myself to voice my feelings before our next session, then we can do some practice to make it easier on me to be clear. Their hope for me and this particular situation feels like a breath of fresh air. Because they have nothing to gain by giving me false hope? If that makes sense. I don't know.

I also wanted to make note here of this substack essay I read after therapy about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which I need to make a note to talk to C. about. It felt very Right to read after what we discussed in the session.

I think I'll leave off here, though. I still need to shower and get ready to head out to A.'s grandma's house. I think today will and can be good. Happy Sunday!

Always, Frankie